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27 September 2011 @ 02:21 am
This is old. Perhaps even posted already. Too lazy to check.  
I would never have given up my virginity to Sam's boyfriend in the back of his car. I wouldn't have given it up to so many people. I wouldn't have ever trolled craigslist to find hookups to try and fill the void of loveless relationships that I was too scared to leave.

I would've told Erika that I loved her sooner, and more often - even if nothing would come of it. I would've gone to see my grampy more and held him tighter and made better memories of him. I would never have forgotten my box of music globes that he gave me. Ever. Ever.

I would tell more people that I loved them. I would've admitted to myself that I really loved Amber. I would never have kissed that girl in OUTreach and heard her scream 'rape'. I never would've messed around with that girl in college.

I would do my homework, even if it was all wrong. I would hug more people. I would give more gifts to strangers. I would save more money and maybe still be in college. I would've found a way to keep smoking cloves, and keep smoking as slowly as I used to.

I would take more walks. I would keep singing before I lost that alto-tenor range that I worked so hard for. I would've kept to my play that I no longer remember enough of to finish. I would write more of my own words during highschool. I would've kissed Caitlin more often and held her tighter and insisted we be 'us' sooner, before it was strange that we weren't playing pretend.

I would manage my time better. I would commit more of Searsport and everything there that changed me so much to memory and hold onto it forever. I would never have fallen out of touch with Daniel, Chip, and Nate, or Erika, or Shawn, Raeshe or Shattered. I would've gone to more movies and stopped being so insistent that I hated them.

I would cry more.

I would work harder at keeping all that strength I used to have before my back gave out. I would have told Becca that I loved her more - I would've been better to her in every way.
I would never have started heroin.

I would've stayed in Taekwondo - never was there a time where I was happier or felt more confident, even for those three short weeks.

I would realize that I do work hard, despite what I think. I would have heard somehow, somewhere, that the reason I think I'm so lame is because I push too hard in the start, and leave myself burnt out for the end. I would have less sex and make more love. I would write more and write more often and dream, and I would sleep better and more regularly.

Now, all of the things I want out of the things I would do seem so far out of reach I don't know where to begin - but like all things, the drive to push myself forward and get out of this rut will come with constant reminders. I will treat it like cleaning my room - there is only so long I can stare at this until I need to start picking up the pieces.

I would have insisted we visit Stanis more before she died. I would've hugged her and told her how much she meant to me and how much she gave me as a person. I will let go of my hate and anger toward my father because I still wish so badly I could've known him.

I will sing this to myself like a mantra in my mind until one by one, the list grows shorter as I do things.

I will remind myself often that I am beautiful and worthy of love. And I will love like a Robyn song - like I've never been hurt, like I'm indestructible - and I will walk away from every love with the things they have given me and hold them close to my heart and say I am a better person for this.